As blogger, the norm is to appear happy and perfect at all times. Life is curated down to perfectly filtered, visually pleasing squares. What blogging does not usually account for, at least in my experience, is stress, anxiety, low self confidence, and body image issues. I suffer from all of these things, as I’m sure a large percentage of those of you out there do, too.
This weekend my husband and I took our dogs to run around at a nearby park. I took the time to pick out an outfit and do my make up and hair a little nicer, as I thought it would be a great opportunity for some blog photos. As my husband took on the persona of seasoned photographer, I posed like I knew what I was doing, tossing my hair, flashing a cocky smile, I’m gonna have so many good ones! I thought to myself. But as soon as I started flipping through the photos Levi had taken, I felt my spirit deflate.
“There are about a million things I don’t like about these photos-NONE of them are good.” I said aloud, close to tears. Looking at the photos triggered that voice in my head that is always telling me what I should change about my body; a little toning here, a little slimming there. Just work on that, and then you’ll be happy with yourself. Just change, and you’ll feel better.
I am so tired of feeling this way. The constant anxiety of not being comfortable in my own skin, telling myself I need to change. Comparing myself to other women, vying for their bodies, wishing I looked like them. It is shitty, it is frustrating, it is downright debilitating at times. I sometimes feel like there is a weight on my chest, making it just a little harder to breathe easy. Sitting at my desk, plugging through my day, and suddenly I’m painfully aware of this feeling. I rack my brain to understand why I’m feeling this way, then it hits me like a ton of bricks. You’re not thin enough. Your thighs are too big. Your arms aren’t toned enough. The list could honestly go on and on.
This toxic mentality is something that I’m working to change. It is definitely work, but it is worth it. I will still go to the gym, I will still aim to choose the fresh foods over the fried, but I will try not to beat myself up if I miss a workout, or decide to indulge. When I pass a mirror, I will try to compliment myself, rather then take the opportunity to tear myself to pieces.
Life is not about counting calories, or being wrought with worry over the number on the scale or the one sewn into our pants. I’m sure this all sounds so cliche, but I think it’s worth repeating, and it is definitely worth remembering. If you struggle with the same feelings, know you are not alone in it, but more importantly, know that you are beautiful. You are stunning and sensational, and there is not a damn thing that you need to change.
Thank you so much for reading.